She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
