I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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