Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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