if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
