Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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