I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
