i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I booty called her while she was in labor.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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