That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
