Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
