mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
