he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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