I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
