oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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