It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
