forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
