hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
