I can tuck mytits in my pants
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
