You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
