I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
