This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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