While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I pour the whiskey from now on
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
