I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
