i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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