I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
