True but thats because hes a fetus.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
