I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
