Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
