I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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