my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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