Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
