I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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