Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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