Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
