I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
