Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Two words: nipple clamps
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