The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
