First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
