It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
