I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
