we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
My bed is full of blood and feathers
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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