My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I touched a dick in church today
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
