Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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