Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
