i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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