U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
