They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
