Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Randomize
