Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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