I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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