im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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