oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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