Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
